Dear diary ,
Sot today I went in to see and discuss a few things over with my Phychologist. It started out normal..we greeted each other and then i was sent into the waiting room until my name was called. While in the waiting room there was this guy..i guessed his age to be probably around 30-35 and this guy just could not stop staring . I mean full on gawking at me, Now I'm not sure if he knew that I was looking directly into his eye due to the fact that i had my dark sunglasses on but geez, c'mon . I felt so uncomfortable in that waiting room and what made things worst is the nurse comes out of the office and calls my Boy name.. i was so pissed I was like umm hello My name isn't that anymore could you be more sensitive.. I know shes just doing her job but were in a shrinks office anything can set a person off.. know what I mean .. Well any ways.. I went into the office had a sat on the chair..with what seems to be the most horrible lighting.. it was that fluorescent light bulb lighting.. very hospital.. anyways it was a little hard to relax being that i was a little nervous and kind of worked up a little panic mood b4 i left but o well . Main this is that I am here. So my phychologist comes in and i swear she is the most kind women I know thus far.. shes the type of person where you just feel so comfortable know. so we start talking about how may week went prior to this appointment.. you see i seen her a week b4 this so she was basically checking up to see how i was progressing.. but anyway.. back to the story.. we started talking about how i feel i progressed from last week and to be honest i told her.. i really feel the same.. well i take that back i do feel a little different because of our last visit i almost felt as if i can breathe a little easier now.. then we started talking about my child hood again.. This! you see is such a huge thing for me because i have never discussed anything about my childhood to anyone..So I relaxed and started to talk.. I talked about being physically abused as a child..and more kinds of abuse tht i dont want to talk about rite now but even typing this now I almost feel in a sense that I'm releasing alot of the burden that i have carried for the past 17 years.. you see when I was 12 years old I was kicked out of my home..well i was more so pushed out.. why.. well i was really beaten pretty badly by my father that day and i can almost remember step by step like as if it happened just a few minutes ago.. I ran up stairs and hid in the closet unto i could hear him going back down the stairs.. then i knew at that moment that i had to get away .. so I did .. I packed what I could into a little bag and i opened my bedroom window and jumped 2 stories and landed unto my back yard.. then i made a run for it..I ran so fast i never knew my legs ha so much power in them... I ran all the way to the nearest bus stop and just sat there crying with a fat lip and just looking terrible.. I got unto the bus and the bus driver at first did int let me sit down he was kind of takin back to see me like that.. but i just shrugged him off and sat down far back into the bus hide my face into my bag and just cried..I ended up going to a friends house a few miles from where i lived.. some place that i knew my dad could never find me.. and that was the beginning of it all.. you see Diary i never in a million life times would have ever guessed that this is how my life would turn out..all through school i was a straight A student i won all the academic awards .. first place in science fairs and I was always the one that my parents would constantly tell others that I was gonna be somebody special.. so from going from that to being hit in the face simply for being me was a total shock... and at that young age i didn't know how to accept it and instead retaliated against everyone including my self.. Diary I became such a bad person ..and it is nothing I am proud of..But as I have mentioned ear;lier.. this is where my life took a turn for the worse..I want tobe able to type out word for word what happened but I am still coping with myself in who I can trust with this and its a really big step for me.. simply writing this rite now opening up jus a little peek into what i have been holding inside for all these years is such a huge accomplishment and i am proud of myself for even doing that.. I do plan on writing here everything and taking everything.. and leaving it here to stay soon..Ill talk to you soon diary..say a prayer for me..
xoxoErikaX
I am deeply sorry that you had to go through so much at such a young age. But the simply fact that your still here is an incredible testament to how strong you are. I hope you continue to do well with your psychiatrist.
ReplyDeleteThere was girl in my Biology class in High School who showed up to class with a black eye that she said he father gave her. She was a outgoing tallish girl.
ReplyDeleteMy dad on the other hand would not beat me...he's a social worker. He'd use mind games on me and the whole family...those things take decades to heal...and your shrink isn't going to heal you. You are.